Those Confirmation Jitters

4pm and still no confirmed time or place? Brande offers solutions to a letter writer whose dates give her day-of anxiety.  

Q. I run into this problem constantly and I’m looking for a solution. I use dating apps pretty much exclusively to meet people. I have no problems matching and securing dates. The problem comes with the actual logistics of setting up a date. 

Here’s what will typically happen: we’ll chat for a bit, the guy will ask me out for say, Thursday, and I’ll agree. Then he’ll respond, “Great, sounds good!” and I won’t hear from him for the rest of the week…until Thursday, around 3 or 4pm! By that point I’m having extreme anxiety — did he forget about the date? Are we still on? Where am I supposed to meet him, and when? It’s actually really annoying because I want to be able to plan my outfit, especially if I’m coming straight from work. If I have no idea where we’re going this becomes difficult. I also want to be able to plan time to shower, get ready, etc. I want to make a great first impression and feel relaxed, knowing the plan. 

My question is: how do I get these guys to understand that it’s really annoying and borderline rude to wait until the LAST possible second to plan a specific place and time? I don’t want to come off pushy or aggressive since they’re the one doing the asking out. I also don’t want to look desperate by texting something like, “So where and when are we meeting Thursday?” the day before. HELP!

Chelsea, New York, NY

A. I must confess: when reading your question, in addition to nodding my head in “been there” agreement, I had an Oprah moment. To paraphrase one of Queen O’s favorite sayings: when it comes to men, what I know for sure is when they want something, they go after it. If you need extra confirmation, consider this: 86 percent of men say they initiate asking someone out all or most of the time. Bottom line? If he wants to see you, he. Will. Ask. You. Out. 

In this case, men who don’t bother to set concrete plans don’t really want “it” — “it” being a serious relationship with someone who wants to be treated like more than an afterthought.

Let me clarify that this lack of interest is in no way a reflection of your amazing qualities as a woman; people are just lazy these days. A first date used to be a huge planned out event; now it’s a 3 pm, “Hey, wanna grab drinks? I’m in your ‘hood,” type of thing. In addition, many men simply don’t realize the amount of time women like to spend getting ready for a first date — 80 percent of women spend more than 30 minutes getting ready for a date, while only 54 percent of men do. 

86 percent of men say they initiate asking someone out all or most of the time.

There are two ways you can approach these types of situations. One is to grab ahold of the dating reins yourself. If a guy asks you out for Thursday, don’t just agree to his ambiguous offer; get the details right away. Better yet, offer some meet-up suggestions of your own. Say something like, “Thursday works. How about 6 pm? There’s a great spot on (insert street name) that has Happy Hour ‘til 7 pm.” 

If he gives the OK, now you have a plan. You know you can shower at 3 pm, get a blowout at 4 pm, throw on your skirt and heels, and make it to the place in just enough time to make a stunning first impression. 

80 percent of women spend more than 30 minutes getting ready for a date. That number drops to 54 percent for men. 

If you still prefer to let a man lead and plan the first gathering, then the only approach you’re left with when he comes through with a last-minute text is to decline. You don’t have to be nasty about it. Simply say, “Hey, I hadn’t heard from you about plans so I made other ones. Can we reschedule for Saturday night?” You’re still leaving the ball in his court to right his wrong (i.e. set a time and a place), but you’re also setting a tone that says “I have a life. If you want in on it, you need to follow through before something or someone else occupies my time.”

Also to keep in mind: there’s  nothing wrong with texting “Hey, are we still on for tomorrow?” the night before an agreed upon meeting date. Ideally, you wouldn’t have to because the guy would have already followed up, but life gets busy and when you’re in the early stages of dating multiple people, you may forget to confirm drinks here and a movie there. 

If, after trying all the above solutions, the guy still can’t nail down a time and place in a timely manner…he’s just not serious. If, however, he responds enthusiastically with a set plan, forgive his forgetfulness just this once, but make sure he doesn’t make a habit of being a poor planner. If he does, he’ll likely make a poor boyfriend as well.

BRANDE VICTORIAN 

Brande Victorian is the creator of Be-Enough.comwhere she chronicles tales of love in the time of weight loss along with other musings of her health and wellness journey. She also serves as Managing Editor of MadameNoire.com. Follow her on Twitterand Instagram. Send questions to Brande at advice@hinge.co.

HINGE ON INSTAGRAM

Comments:

Anne Ornelas

This is happening to me as we speak! Since last Wednesday have been texting with someone who has been very interested, even said so. We even spoke on the phone on Sunday night and while we didn't confirm a time, we both said we were very much looking forward to our Tuesday meeting. Monday--silence to two playful texts I sent, which fine he was back at work and likely busy--but really you can't just send a quick text to say busy day? Tuesday, this evening we are supposed to meet at a local trail/park to go for a walk (which I suggested and he said he really liked that idea instead of a bar). Sent a text this morning to confirm the time...so far, nothing! And the ultimately funny thing about all this? He was complimenting me at being a good communicator, it's one of the things that he values in a relationship.

Like · Reply · 1y

Robin Wenz

LOL I think we are sharing the same man Anne Omelas! Basically send a text saying, "I just really don't think we can be friends. Good luck in your search." There's a good chance you'll get a response back. If he asks, "why not?" Just say we aren't on the same page and I feel like you're stringing me along and the communication has been terrible. We really need to talk in person because texting is not a good way to communicate." If he texts back it will either be to a) string you along again after apologies, b) tell you good luck in your search (in which case you can cut the strings that …See More

Like · Reply · 1 · 1y

Marilyn Zink

I usually ask, where do you want to meet? If he can't confirm a time and place right away, then bye. I can't be bothered waiting around. It's his job to also confirm on the day of, otherwise, see ya! A quality man will make concrete plans.

Like · Reply · 3 · 46w

Zareh Artinian

Or hers! I’ve been on the opposite end of this where I ask a woman to confirm a time after we’ve agreed on a place and day to meet and I never hear back. When I write to ask her to confirm she never bothers writing back.

Like · Reply · 14w

Zareh Artinian

As a man, I’ve been on the other side of this. I ask a woman out and we make plans to get together, but then when we need to confirm the actual time and place or any other logistics, I never hear back. I write follow up messages asking if we’re still on and what time she wants to meet and I get crickets.

I find this extremely rude and inconsiderate. If she has other plans or is no longer interested the least she could do is tell me that. To just give me the silent treatment when I’ve held the evening for her and not made plans with other people is incredibly inconsiderate.

My question is how long do I wait before we were supposed to meet before telling her that I’ve made other plans and forget about it?